


Autumn Night

by 10outof10



Series: Four Seasons of Chan's Agony [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dino - Freeform, Lee Chan - Freeform, Oneshot, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, i lowkey wanna do this too, implied depression, self hate, this is what happens when i get episodes, wasting youth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 03:31:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7828831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10outof10/pseuds/10outof10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chan just wanted to taste death without dying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Autumn Night

**Author's Note:**

> this might be triggering, reader's discretion is advised.

Cold. It was cold. Chan could have sworn he wore three layers of jacket before he went out, but the night breeze of autumn made him curse.

He should have worn more layers.

  
_Bzz. Bzz._

  
His slender pale fingers reached out to his pocket, pulling out a phone that had been ignored for the past twelve hours he had stepped out of the dorm.

 

  
_General Leader calling…_

 

  
There was hesitation, his thumb over the green button before it jumped to the red one. Ignoring the nth call from Seungcheol. The screen showed 100 unread messages- no, make that 101, from all his band members. It wasn’t any better in the Kakao chat box.

He dared not to open any of them.

 

He can’t.

 

His eyes wandered across the busy street of Seoul. People passing by him, he couldn’t remember every face, but it seemed like everyone was judging him.

 

He was scared.

 

His hands found their way inside the pockets of his jacket, balled up in a fist, and if it weren’t hidden, everyone could tell just how agitated he has been. Chan closed his eyes as he stopped in the middle of the street, swallowing the lump that has formed in his throat, his teeth grinding on each other as he tried to suppress his anger.

 

The anger that has pent up inside of him. His anger for himself.

 

But it doesn’t work. Never did it work. He can’t remember the time he hasn’t been angry and frustrated towards himself. He doesn’t understand it either. Why he’s been like this. Why he’s feeling like this. It only made him angrier, it only made him hate himself more.

  
_Bzz. Bzz._

 

“ _This is Chan’s phone, he is busy being awesome. Just leave a message._ ” The muffled record of his voice from his jacket made him bite his lower lip. Oh, how he hated hearing himself like that. He doesn’t even remember when he’s like that.

 

“ _Channie… please pick up. We’re worried. We can talk if you’re feeling something, we’re a family. We’ll understand you. Please. Please pick up"_

 

 

It was Jeonghan. His soft voice gave him the conclusion.

 

 

_‘Understand..? I don’t even understand myself, how would other people do? Such bullshit.’_

 

 

His legs starting to drag him somewhere. His head still hung low, bumping another person from time to time but he didn’t say anything, he just continued walking. Earning glances of disapproval from the people around him, but he couldn’t care less, he wants people to hate him just as much as he hates himself.

 

Chan found himself in front of a convenience store, the same one he used to go to back when he and Seungkwan got hungry after practice three years ago.

 

Automatically, his hand reached out to open the door, his feet dragging itself towards the refrigerator. Passing by his favorite fizzy drink, and instead, opening the door to the alcoholic ones. Grabbing two big bottles in his arms, he knew they wouldn’t sell this to him, but nobody gives a fuck when it’s late hours.

 

“Kid. You’re not allowed to buy these.” The clerk monotonously exclaimed, being sick of his job was evident in his voice, Chan could feel the older male’s eyes that keeps trying to get a sight of the younger’s face.

 

“My dad is making me buy.” He lifted his head, revealing a serious face, the clerk jerked his brow before standing up straight to grab the bottle, punching them in. Honestly, he didn’t give two shits, he just wanted his shift to be over, so selling alcohol to a minor didn’t matter to him. “He also wanted me to buy him cigarettes.”

 

The clerk looked up at him again, not buying his alibi, “Look kid, I’m already selling you alcohol, I’m not giving you tobacco. I’ll be jailed.”

 

“No one will know. Just give me a pack.” Chan took out his wallet and gave a few bucks to the other with an extra hundred to bribe.

 

The older male sighed and took a pack of cigarettes, tossing it to the counter in a defeated manner. Packing everything in a small bag and handing it to the other.

 

Chan could feel the clerk’s judging stare from his back. Everyone judges him it seems.

 

  
\--

 

  
It felt like he was free. One swig turned into a whole chug, finishing a whole bottle. The alcohol slowly took a toll on him after the last gulp of the bitter liquid. Chan felt light, like nothing was wrong, his giddy laugh filled the air from the roof of a random building. Suffocating smoke accompanied him, as he lit the tenth stick of cigarette, the smoke inhabited his lungs temporarily before deflating into nothingness. It was like an oxygen tank, he needed it to feel alive. He could feel his cracked lips dry up even more as he puffed out the white smoke.

 

 

This is what he’s always wanted.

 

 

Death without dying.

 

 

He tasted death after death, and it was too delicious to stop. His smile grew bigger with the laugh that he let out every single good memories that come to him as he sat on the cold concrete, looking up the starry night. It was beautiful.

 

_Why can’t his world be this beautiful?_

 

Chan could feel something wet flow on his cheeks, his vision becoming blurry, his little laughter eventually turning into a soft snivel. He continued to laugh, he wanted to laugh, but all that seemed to come out were cries. A cry of agony, a cry of self pity, a cry of anger.

 

His body crashed down on the floor, he allowed his emotions devour him as a whole. Tonight, he didn’t care. Tonight, he just wants to be alone. Tonight, he just wants to be the Chan that no one knows.

 

A lost teenage boy, wasting this one night in hopes to be fine the next morning he wakes.

 

He still wishes to be okay, even if he knows he won’t be.

 

He just wants to be okay.

 


End file.
